My husband and I were so excited when we found out we were having a baby. Excited and scared. We had been married for four years and 364 days when we found out. The day before our five year wedding anniversary. We were on vacation relaxing and having so much fun. I’m a vegetarian for the most part. But I was craving turkey pepperoni and going through it like crazy! My husband noticed before I did.
So there we were that morning at 5:30 am finding out our lives were about to change. We started thinking and talking about how things would change, how everything would change. My husband isn’t a fan of fast change. He can gradually get there but this was happening faster than either of us realized. My physical and mental changes were working hard on me. This was something I didn’t expect, the mental changes. I was not longer in control of my body and my brain felt like a scrambled mess.
While I was dealing with this, my husband was worrying about other changes. He was concerned I wouldn’t love him as much as I did and that I would be all about our son. I know that sounds like a bratty thing to say. Some of you may even say “how could he say that” but I agreed with him. We’ve strive to have a God centered marriage. We believe in order to do that we must keep God first and each other second not matter what. We had long and opened talks about this throughout the whole pregnancy. I know this seems like an odd idea, to love your husband more than your kids but it’s what we felt strongly about. My thought is this; God made our marriage to be partners. We actively decided to have a family together. We cannot begin as a team and then separate as we go along. Another reason, we raise our children to become productive members of society. I believe it takes a team. But what happens when the children leave home. If we do not cultivate our marriage while raising our children it could be too late once they are gone.
There are so many areas to look into when having this conversation with your spouse. The biggest things we are making sure we do is maintaining open communication and making each other a priority. We do little things together like eating dinner together (which can be difficult with baby), hanging out with each other (sometimes this is just watching TV together), and just in general listening how the others day was. We talk about the important things as well as the everyday. I also think maintaining a physical relationship together is important. I think God created the intimate connection between husband and wife therefore should be a priority.
Doing things like this has helped us to stay connected with one another and remain a strong team. That doesn’t mean it’s been easy all the way. Adding a child to your marriage at any point is challenging. It wasn’t until maybe four or five months into having Eli home with us that we had any disagreements. That’s when I had to do my part in being the partner God called me to be for Cory. I had to give when he needed it and ask for help when I needed it. That’s something I feel we moms do s lot too, take full responsibility. My thoughts are you will drain yourself doing it all for which then typically leads to resenting your husband for not doing anything. The truth is we won’t let them help because they aren’t doing it our way. That doesn’t mean it wrong, it’s just different and that’s not always a bad thing. Let me be clear here too, just because I feel like I need to do something a certain way in my marriage doesn’t mean it right for everyone. I have to do what I feel is right for us though. Keeping Cory first is what I feels is right. I don’t know your situation and I’m not trying to tell you what you should do. I’m only sharing what works for me and my marriage.
Cory and I have not had a perfect relationship but it has been a blessed one. He is an amazing husband and a wonderful father. He is hilarious, an amazing provider in every way, and so dedicated to us and our family. I feel so blessed to call him mine.