A few weeks ago during dinner my husband and I had a disagreement and after we put our son to be I retreaded into out bedroom and didn’t talk to him for the rest of the night. I was so mad and hurt by something he said that I didn’t and couldn’t talk to them without making it worse. So my solution was to not talk at all. I stayed in our room reading. The next morning when I woke up I had a feelings hangover. That yucky feeling of hurt and frustration that passed through a night of sleep and still seemed to be lingering the next day. I woke up as usual before anyone else in the house and did my morning run and made breakfast and lunches still feeling upset. I was thinking about the night before and replaying in my head what was said and how I felt Cory should have acted. Then I felt like God was saying “yeah but what about you?” Well what about me? I was the one who was upset and hurt by what Cory said but why exactly and did it really warrant that reaction? As I thought more about it and really tried to pick apart my feelings I realized I did have the right to be upset but I had over reacted a little. I am the type of person who needs a little time to gather my thoughts when I get upset because I have a tendency to make my initial reaction my official reaction. Once I can process how I feel about something then I am better able to express how and why I feel the way I do. So taking some time would have worked, just maybe not all night.
But why did I get so upset then? I realized it was not at what Cory said but what I think about myself. I have issues with self esteem, like most people. Mine vary from what they are about and when they bother me. Sometimes I can hear the same thing about myself from two different people and one will bother me and the other will not. I don’t like that really. The way I feel about myself shouldn’t be determined from what others say but sometimes I cannot help but let the opinions of others take over my own thoughts. I don’t think this means I am easily swayed or manipulated. What I do think it means though; I already had an underlying thought about myself and its being played upon by my own thoughts. Whether you believe in God or not I think everyone can agree that we have good and bad in the world. The bad thoughts can sometimes enter into your mind quickly and other times slowly creep in unnoticed. The bad thoughts are our enemy. Our enemy can talk about others in ways that make us feel bad or compare ourselves to others. That’s what I had been dealing with that day. Negative thoughts about myself, stressing about not being enough for work and my home life and I let it get the best of me. I took something that my loving husband said and let it ruin our evening.
The next morning when I was processing and meditating on how I felt I realized this and decided to tell myself the good stuff. I told myself what I know to be true about myself. This doesn’t mean that I am perfect, in fact I am far from it. I feel so embarrassed that I acted this way honestly. But I am not as bad as I allow myself to think sometimes. Our thoughts are something that we alone are responsible for protecting. This is something that no one else can control. It’s up to ourselves and ourselves alone. If you take garbage in (I am terrible at.. I am stupid because… I don’t like myself for.. I’ll never be…) you’ll get garbage out. I think this is so important for our everyday selves regarding how we think and feel about ourselves and others. Every time you have a negative thought about someone or yourself I encourage you to decipher where it came from. Is it a true statement or is it our enemy, our bad thoughts telling us these things? If you expect the worst of a person, that’s what you’ll see of them no matter what they do. The same thing goes when you’re thinking about yourself.
I think guarding our thoughts can be huge when it comes to happiness. I have met so many people over the year, especially working in the geriatric setting, who have been through some major life changes. What I have learned from these experiences is if you want to be happy you can be. That doesn’t mean you overlook all the bad things happening in your life. You see them and recognize them. But you also look for the good in your life, the beauty around you. Good thoughts in, good feelings out.